Showing posts with label Thomas Merton. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Thomas Merton. Show all posts

Thursday, March 18, 2021

Finding value in taking baby steps in the right direction

 

Yes indeed, God had wheedled me out of my comfort zone and, it seemed, He enjoyed introducing me to altogether new ways of living.

 

Me—the protected and comfortable suburbanite, the straitlaced and genteel young lady.

 

The one who had stayed far away from wildlife and slimy-slippery stuff and anything that even hinted at danger. (Click on If you see red eyes above the waterline . . .)

 

And yet God was succeeding in introducing me to new and good things that were far from all I was accustomed to in suburban Seattle—partly through the exciting and diverse natural environment my son Matt was discovering with his new friends (see recent posts), and partly through Lomalinda’s good people.

 

Yes, I was gradually becoming more accepting of Lomalinda’s lifestyle, but I still faced a handful of challenges.

 

One of them was how to feed my family well from what was—or what was not—available at the commissary.

 

It was a low-lying building painted sky blue. The first time I stepped inside, I was struck by how dark and cramped it was, the size of two rooms in a small house. It smelled of laundry detergent, bleach, insect spray, powdered juice drink, burlap, and bread.

 

Hand-crafted wooden shelves housed canned food—things like tuna and vegetables—but limited supplies shocked me. I found one loaf of bread, a small tin of rolled oats, and coffee, rice, flour, and powdered milk in small plastic bags.

 

That first day, I found no produce or fresh meat, and I despaired. How could I feed my kids well enough? How did people make decent meals?

 

On other days, in the future, I found a few more items, including chunks of local meat, and little by little my refrigerator and kitchen cupboards began to look a little less bare.

 

I’d never been a fancy cook—we came from humble middle-class families and were accustomed to eating humble middle-class food. I wasn’t hoping to provide epicurean meals—I just longed to feed my family nutritious meals. But the items on the commissary shelves didn’t give me much hope.

 

But then. . . . But then. . . . !

 

Ron and Lois Metzger invited us to their home for dinner. Stepping into their red brick house, I could not believe what I saw on the dinner table—it looked like a Thanksgiving feast.

 

But I’d seen the skimpy supplies in the commissary.

 

Dumbfounded, I asked Lois, “Where did you find all this food?”

 

“At the commissary,” she said, smiling.

 

Bless her heart, she had learned to be creative, and I was impressed. (from Chapter 10, Please, God, Don’t Make Me Go:A Foot-Dragger’s Memoir.)

 

I’ve always remembered that meal and the inspiration Lois offered me.

 

She was one of those dear ones I told you about before: In Lomalinda, I was like a baby bird learning to fly. God blessed me with a number of “mama birds,” lovely people who gently showed me how to do life there in that out-of-the-way place—and Lois was one of them.

 

The day would soon come when, inspired by Lois, I would take on the challenge of making attractive, tasty meals from limited supplies in the commissary.

 

It would require resourcefulness and work, but I would thrive on the challenge.

 

But in the beginning, only a few days into Lomalinda life, I was still in transition, and transition can be messy—stumbling through unknowns and waiting for elusive answers. It’s a vulnerable time, a time of letting go and rethinking and stretching.

 

I was slogging through one of those proverbial “one step forward and two steps back” stages of my life.

 

Hooray for one-step-forward days!

 

Even baby steps in the right direction

can make a big difference.

 

As Thomas Merton said,

“You do not need to know precisely

what is happening, or exactly where it is all going.

What you need is to recognize the possibilities and challenges

offered by the present moment,

and to embrace them with courage, faith and hope.”



 

Thursday, August 27, 2020

Longing to get over the bad stuff

 

"My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going,” wrote Thomas Merton. “I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end.” 

Merton’s words sum up my state of mind that afternoon at Lomalinda, our out-of-the-way mission center. I’d been fighting to survive the next few minutes, and then the next few minutes. 

“Nor do I really know myself,” continued Merton, “and the fact that I think I am following Your will does not mean that I am actually doing so. But I believe that the desire to please You does in fact please You. And I hope I have that desire in all that I am doing. 

"I hope that I will never do anything apart from that desire. And I know that if I do this, You will lead me by the right road, though I may know nothing about it.

“Therefore I will trust You always though I may seem to be lost. . . . I will not fear, for You are ever with me, and You will never leave me to face my perils alone." (Thomas Merton, Thoughts in Solitude) 

Merton penned such encouraging, hope-filled words for desperate times.  I didn’t know him or his words back then but reading them now offers me comfort. 

Back on that unforgettable afternoon in Lomalinda, in my distress—flustered, discouraged, troubled, lost—somehow God impressed upon me what Elisabeth Elliot discovered and then shared with the rest of us: “Sometimes life is so hard you can only do the next thing. Whatever that is just do the next thing. God will meet you there.” 

So I kept doing the next thing, one baby step at a time—unpacking, arranging, cleaning, caring for the kids, and planning what I’d cook for dinner that evening.

And just as Elisabeth said, God did meet me there. Sometimes He remains very quiet, settled calmly in the background. He was on that day—but He was there. Oh, yes, He was there with me that afternoon. 

He was not angry with me. He would not reject me. I was His child in need of comfort and grace. A weary child of His in need of a new perspective that would lead to hope. 

To arrive at that new perspective and grab hold of that hope, perhaps I needed to grievegrieve my loss of home and family and country, grieve my inability to properly, healthily carry out my responsibilities in my new house and to nurture my husband and young ones. And to grieve my meltdown and angry outburst at my husband. 

Even grieve the loss of who I had thought myself to be. Nor do I really know myself,” Merton wrote. 

Dr.Henry Cloud says when we voluntarily enter into grief, it can lead to resolution. 

He says grief “is the most important pain there is. . . .  It heals. It restores. It changes things that have gone bad. Moreover, it is the only place where we get comforted when things have gone wrong.

 

“. . . Grief is the way of our getting finished with the bad stuff in life. It is the process by which we ‘get over it,’ by which we ‘let it go.’ . . .

 

“. . . It is the process by which we can be available for new things. The soul is freed from painful experience and released for new, good experience.” (Dr. Henry Cloud, “Why Grief is Different from Other Kinds of Suffering”)

 

Yes, looking back now, I believe I needed to grieve. Though I couldn’t have put it into words, I longed to move on, ready for new, good experiences in Lomalinda. I longed to be a happy wife, mother, and missionary. 

I think again of Thomas Merton’s heart-wrenching cry and how it captured my state of mind that afternoon: "My Lord God, I have no idea where I am going. I do not see the road ahead of me. I cannot know for certain where it will end.”

But that’s not the end of the story

When we are disoriented, unable to look to the future, when we flounder, fail, and fall apart, we have many promises of God’s unfailing love and patience with us. One of them is this: It is the Lord who goes before you. He will be with you; He will not leave you or forsake you. Do not fear or be dismayed” (Deuteronomy 31:8).

With the Lord going before me, I just kept taking one little step after one little step, doing the next thing.

 

Thursday, June 20, 2019

If only I’d known I would love living there


What would you expect your living conditions to be if you were to move to the end of the road in the middle of nowhere in South America?

That’s where my husband, Dave, wanted me to move, along with our two preschoolers. But to me, Dave was acting like that “wild and crazy sheep in love with thorns and brambles” that Thomas Merton wrote about. 

In my other memoir, Grandma’s Letters from Africa, I described Dave as “a free spirit who seldom limits himself to coloring within other people’s lines.”

But I was the opposite kind of person. Adventure and risk—those “thorns and brambles”—were not my cup of tea.

And coloring outside the lines? Never!

The thought of moving to a remote outpost in South America—of all places!—shot scary stuff into my brain and heart, stuff that assaulted my wellbeing, night and day.

If only I could have looked into the future—because then I’d have seen how much I would love working at our mission center, Lomalinda (pretty hill), alongside remarkable people.

But, of course, I couldn’t see into the future. I had no idea what rich adventures and relationships my family and I would enjoy there.

Instead, my mind went bonkers. Here’s an excerpt from Chapter 1:

 “What kind of house would we live in?” I asked Dave. I pictured a hut with a dirt floor.
 “I don’t know,” he admitted. 
“What if we had to build our own house? And with what? Bamboo and palm leaves? Besides,” I heard my voice getting shrieky, “we don’t even know how to build a house.” 
My mind went wild. “Would we have to grow our own vegetables and meat? What about eggs? And milk? The kids need milk, you know. Would we have to get a cow? I bet we wouldn’t even have electricity. And what about water? Would we have to haul our water?” 
I didn’t give Dave a chance to answer. I was on a roll. “Living in South America could be deadly! After all, look what happened to Jim Elliot. The natives killed him and his friends.” 
My voice rose an octave. “Karen’s only three years old! And Matt just turned five!” Our kids were so vulnerable, and the unknown for the four of us shook me to the core. Sometimes God does lead people to perilous places, and I didn’t want to find our young family among them.
I envisioned the worst. All I could do was pray—urgently: Please, God, don’t make me go!

Think about it: 
What would you expect your living conditions to be 
if you were to move to the end of the road 
in the middle of nowhere in South America?

Leave a comment below 
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(Please, God, Don't Make Me Go: 
A Foot-Dragger's Memoir by Linda K. Thomas), 
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